The Fairer Sex

"Mm, look out. Bruce, honey, you're about to be blessed by an angel."

"Wot?" Bruce had been scratching at a blissful Pearlie's chest feathers, but now paused to shoot a confused glance at his best friend. "Mags, what are you-"

"Shh." Magnolia May was gazing at something behind him. "On your right, shug."

Bruce swung his head to the right, thoroughly confused, and sure enough, a tall, willowy mare suddenly strode past the table. Her gait was smooth and confident, and her long coral mane billowed out behind her like a river. Magnolia (and Pearlie, to Bruce's complete bafflement) let her eyes linger on the strange mare for longer than Bruce felt was appropriate, a mysterious smile playing at her lips.

 "...Landsakes." Magnolia breathed, "Ain't she a beauty." Pearlie, Bruce's pet sea hawk, let out a little wolf-whistle in agreement.

"She's....alright, I guess?" Bruce cocked a brow, uncertain why his friend and his pet now resembled dazed witnesses to the birth of a goddess. "Bit skinny."

"The word you're looking for is slender, you unappreciative moose." Magnolia huffed. "Slender, demure...mercy, her mane was to die for. And that lovely figure, oh, heavens..."

"Still too skinny." Bruce insisted, now partly to wind Magnolia up. He smirked when both she and Pearlie shot him sour looks. "I'm serious, Mags. Poor scrawny thing reminded me of Pandora." He cringed a little saying the name, and made a quick gesture with his hand, as though warding away evil.

"Ah, right. Dear Panny, your old flame. I'm sure she'd be overjoyed to know you still think of her."

"The further away I stay from that noodley witch-bitch, the better." Bruce scoffed. "I swear, a kook like that'd put any bloke off datin' women."

"Oh, is that what you're claiming?" Magnolia sent him a sly, knowing smile that Bruce didn't like. "That why you ain't been into girls much lately, sugar?"

"What are you bloody on about?" Bruce caught the sharp, defensive note in his voice, and winced. He quickly calmed himself, forcing a smug smirk. "I am very into girls, Mags. I'm a natural born lady-killer." And he punched her shoulder, like he always had with his male friends. "You know that."

Magnolia snorted a laugh. "Alright then, lady-killer. A literal blessin' to us mere mortals walks by, and you bitch about her bein' a might too thin."

"Oi, I'm allowed to have preferences." Bruce shrugged, feigning nonchalance. "Everybody does, right?"

"Uh-huh." Magnolia leaned forward. "I've never known you to be picky, shug. What are these so-called 'preferences'?"

She rested her cheek in her palm and studied him, and Bruce felt oddly nervous under the scrutiny. "W-well..." He swallowed. "Maybe preferences was the wrong word. I'm into mares, period! They're so...er, delicate and pretty." He spewed out, just a tiny bit desperately. "Like the girl that walked past. Soft womanly tits and hips, and those slender arms-"

"Arms that aren't strong enough to lift you off the ground ever-so-slightly when you hug..." Magnolia lilted coyly. Bruce shot her a sharp, burning glare, but she continued. "Yes sir, you just love those soft womanly features, shug. You want yourself a delicate and pretty lady, with no hard, muscled, flat chest to rest your head against, certainly not. And no deep voice chuckling out "Brucie" into your ear....no salty water droplets slowly trailing down a washboard stomach and teasingly disappearing down under a tight pair of low slung swimming trunks...."

Magnolia had successfully painted a very vivid image into Bruce's mind, and he shivered a bit, lost in the thought....before he realized that Magnolia was leaning forward, the biggest, widest, most horribly smug smile stretched across her face. Pearlie too was watching him, waggling her eyebrows. Bruce's face flushed red so fast he went dizzy.

He tried to take a steadying breath. "....I don't know what you're implying."

Magnolia exchanged a flat look with Pearlie.

"....Bruce." Magnolia bowed her hands in like a steeple, sucking in a breath for patience. "Let me put this to you as delicately as I can..."


"Hon, you're gayer than a goddamned rainbow."


"Wot?!" Bruce turned red and startled, nearly exploding up out of his chair. Pearlie leapt off with an indignant screech, fluttering to perch on Magnolia's shoulder instead. "What-no, fack you, I ain't bloody gay!"

"I have watched you pine over Stormy's fluffy ass for months now, shug. There's enough tension between y'all to choke a damned cow." Magnolia said flatly. "Even if you ain't exactly gay, you're certainly somethin', and that somethin ain't straight." She concluded. Pearlie nodded wisely.

"I ain't-for that goddamned sheepdog?!-you think-!" Bruce sputtered, so out of sorts he couldn't seem to grasp a lone subject to be angry about-

"Honey, it's okay." Magnolia patted his hand soothingly. "You know your friends and me will support you no matter what. In fact, I'm in the same boat as you, sugar. Crushin' on a friend like crazy, but too chicken to tell her. Can ya believe that?" She let out a sad little laugh. "My point is, I think you could be happy with Stormy, and with yourself, if you just gave things a chance. After all, ya'll are best friends, you already love each other, hell, ya'll hatched Pearlie together-Pearlie, dear, don't you wanna see your two dads together and happy?" She turned to the sea hawk on her shoulder, who'd burst into joyful nodding and happy squawks. Traitor.

"I. Am. Not. Gay." Bruce growled. "Not for him. Not for anypony. And I'll bloody prove it."

Magnolia looked unimpressed. "How, exactly?"

"Like this." Bruce seized her hand in his quite suddenly, and yanked her close. "...Go out with me, Mags."

Magnolia blinked at him for a few moments, and with great effort, she stifled a wild, crass cackle. She did an odd, snorting spasm to hide her laughter, eventually managing to look him in the eyes.

"...Alright, Bruce. I'll go out with you. On one itty-bitty condition." She winked. "You gotta kiss me."


Kiss her. Right. He could do that. No problem. He sucked in a breath. Moments passed.


"....Dear god, the suspense!" Magnolia broke into giggles, watching him.

"Shut up." He scowled, still mentally preparing himself. "Goddamn cow."

Internally, Bruce was waging a battle with himself. It was just a kiss. He carefully studied his friend. A smug, knowing smirk had returned to her face.

He liked mares. And Magnolia was one of the most beautiful mares he'd ever seen. This should be easy. He glanced down at her pretty, curving lips, and he felt a knot of something clench in his gut...like a stone weighing him down, holding him back. His stupid, traitorous mind flashed back to soft, blue feathers. Golden hair that smelled of the ocean. A beautiful smile, bright enough to rival the sun.

Stormy.


"...Bruce?" Magnolia's voice was gentle. She wriggled her hand in his grasp, choosing to lace their fingers together. "You don't have to if you don't want to."

He couldn't do it. It felt like a betrayal. God damn it, god damn it. Fucking hell, why didn't he want this?! What was wrong with him? He ground his teeth, and to his shame, felt hot tears prick his eyes. He tried to hold onto his anger, so that he could throw up a shield, snarl at Magnolia to go to hell, force down all these wretched feelings so that they could never bother him again...but deep down, Bruce knew Magnolia was right. She'd seen right through him, and unearthed the horrible, dreaded truth. He was what his father hated, he was like those colts he'd always been taught were sissies...the very same colts he'd bullied as a kid, for that very reason.

"Nothing is wrong with you, Bruce. Everything is gonna be alright, I promise." Magnolia said softly, her eyes shining with kind light. Bruce met her gaze...and he felt something wet slip down his face. A release. First one boiling tear, then many. Shit.


"I am, Mags."


"Oh, Bruce." Magnolia was on him in an instant, pulling Bruce to her chest in a warm hug. Pearlie too, leapt down from her perch and nuzzled sweetly at her master's face. Bruce grasped at the two of them, simultaneously ashamed and yet infinitely grateful, and he let himself cry.


I'm gay for a fackin' sheepdog. Celestia help me.


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in which bruce has angst over being gay for a fluffy idiot
poor moron, everything's gonna be just fine

featuring a random cameo from Vogue, Moondancer's sister

a ton of this is inspired by a bit of headcanon cooked up by

this is occurring a few years after this: , in which Bruce and Stormy are assigned a class project to care for an egg together. They can't stand each other at first, but grow to be friends, and eventually proud "parents" to baby Pearlie. Later as adults, they meet up again and become super best bros, each eventually developing secret feelings for the other...

i don't typically assign sexual orientations to my cast but Bruce is definitely a repressed gay male. While Magnolia says she might make an exception for the odd, special stallion here and there, she mostly identifies as a lesbian, with a pretty big secret crush on Rosemary. She's super supportive of Bruce and the first person he officially "comes out" to...and someday she and Pearlie will give each other smug high fives when Bruce and Stormy become a thing.


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